i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
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