So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
