One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
