i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
