areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
