All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
