Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
