Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
