so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Randomize
