I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
