So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
