I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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