you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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