Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
