Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
