can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
