I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize