Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
