dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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