Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
