i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
