What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
