I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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