I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
