watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
