made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
