I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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