Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
