I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
