I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
