btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
