I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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