dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
And then he peed in my hair
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