my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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