he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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