and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
