"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
