My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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