when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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