I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
