If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
