I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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