so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
