dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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