im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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