this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
