Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
