susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
