If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
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