I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
