I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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