uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
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