Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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