we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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