I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Sorry my hands just texted you
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
