the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I just found a bag of teeth...
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
