Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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