pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
