I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
