and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
