I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
